Depression Among Kinksters

Being occasionally depressed is part of the human condition, but sometimes reaching out to someone who’s depressed or seeking help if you’re depressed is the compassionate thing to do.

One of the most beautiful things about the San Francisco Bay Area leather and kink scene is how connected and supportive everyone is with each other. I don't want to paint a picture of a perfect kink Utopia. All communities have their challenges and areas for improvement. We certainly do. But the Bay Area really is special in how we honor, acknowledge, befriend, and assist others in our scene. It's a great place to be a kinkster.

Of course, I know many people who would say their local scene is equally connected and supportive. As I’ve traveled, I’ve experienced similarly supportive communities elsewhere. But the Bay Area is my home (along with part-time status in Palm Springs) and it's the local scene here with which I’m most familiar. So, I tend to tout its wonderfulness, but that’s not to discount the wonderfulness I also see in other places.

As I reflect on how my local kink community has tried to help each other, nowhere is that "it takes a village" mindset displayed more than at the education and discussion sessions hosted by the San Francisco Leathermen's Discussion Group (SFLDG). I don’t want to give the impression they’re the only supportive game in town. They’re not. Lots of people, groups, and organizations do similar work. I’m just using SFLDG as an example because it’s an organization with which I’m intimately familiar.

As one shining example of their work, I recall a past community session – Real Talk About Kinky Guys, Depression, and Suicide (age restricted video) – about depression within leather and kink communities. As I sat in that room listening to therapist professionals and fellow kinksters explain the details of depression, how it can manifest in people's lives, and how it can be treated and managed, I realized I was sitting amidst a special group of people.

“These folks get it” I thought. They understand that along with all the hot sex and play, bar gatherings, conferences, contests, and other things we kinksters do, if we don't care for each other both individually and collectively, can we really consider ourselves a compassionate and caring community, or a community at all really?

Anyway, let me address the depression topic that was discussed that evening.

There is a collection of maladies that inhabit our scene, as in all walks of life, that are either directly linked to depression or, as I like to say, are kissing cousins of it. Outright depression, ongoing clinical or temporary. Loneliness. Suicidal thoughts. Feelings of differentness or isolation. Being the newcomer and trying to fit in. All these things and more are present within our scene just like they are in other sectors of life.

Consider also that kinky people can have shame about their non-standard sexual leanings that long outlasts any shame they may have otherwise felt. For example, some kinksters have to also deal with coming out as LGBTQ within environments or families that shun them. That can be a contributing factor to feeling depressed too, a sort of double whammy of depression for some queer kinksters.

But you know what? I think in many ways we are better equipped to help our fellow kinksters. We have built-in mechanisms to connect and communicate with each other that perhaps other groups do not. That gives me hope and makes me happy I’m part of the kink world.

I recall as I sat and listened to the presenters on the SFLDG panel and listened to audience questions and the resulting answers and cross discussion that took place, I sensed certain themes emerge about depression and the impacts that ripple through kinksters' lives and the scene overall. Here are my layman's observations from my notes taken at that event.

Experiencing depression is by no means rare. Many of us experience some form of depression during our lives, either fleetingly or ongoing.

Depression, in all its various ways of expressing itself, looks and feels different for different people. We can't always know that people we know are depressed. However, when we do, there are things we can do to help.

There can be a tendency for many depressed people to isolate themselves. That sometimes makes it harder to realize a friend is depressed. But if you notice someone hasn't been around for a while, or you haven't heard from someone who normally communicates with you, check in. Call them. Text them. Message them. However you do it, reach out. Just say hi. That single act of checking in can do so much for the depressed person. If it's at all possible, try to make reaching out result in an in-person, face-to-face meeting. Nothing’s better than being physically present with someone.

One of the important things you can do to help someone who is depressed is something pretty simple. Show up. Be there. Connect. Be a presence. You don't have to offer any advice. In fact, at times that can be counterproductive. Just be a friend. Just be an acquaintance who cares. Talk. Hang out. See if someone wants to grab some coffee, go for a walk, or just "be" together. The point is to foster a human connection because that's often what the depressed person needs the most.

If alcohol or substance abuse appears to be a possible issue in someone's life, see if you can navigate them to finding some assistance. It seems that for many people depression and substance abuse go hand in hand, although you can't always be sure which one ushered in the other. To a friend, it doesn't matter. What's important is to see if you can move them toward some help and support. Luckily, there is a strong presence of sober folks and meetings within our local kink scene and our scene is open and welcoming to the sober among us. Many people in my immediate intimate and social sphere are sober and they’re all extremely helpful to others who might be struggling.

As part of this post, I was going to provide some links to a bunch of useful resources. But the more I tried to do that, the more I realized that such resources are often tailored specifically to the local area or subsets of kinksters. So, instead, here’s my advice if you’re struggling with depression, or if you’re struggling with substance use that may be contributing to depression.

Find someone, anyone, in your local kink scene with who you feel you can entrust your vulnerability and ask them about any resources they might know about. I know this isn’t always easy. Such transparency takes a bit of courage. But ultimately anyone dealing with serious depression needs to reach out and ask for help, or at least a friendly ear willing to listen.

Isolation is a frequent symptom and cause of depression. By reaching out, even to one person, you’re beginning to break free from that isolation.

Despite me have just suggested I’m not going to offer lots of links to resources here, I’m going to provide two that I know can be useful.

Kink Aware Professionals is a referral service managed by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. It's a great resource for kink-aware psychotherapists who can provide help to those dealing with depression or anything with which you might be struggling and need a nonjudgmental and kink-savvy therapist.

San Francisco has its own Suicide Prevention organization and they are very welcoming of the diversity of sexualities in our city. That said, there are local and national suicide prevention hotlines easily findable using an online search. Use them if you need them. There is never any shame in asking for help. Never.

I know this isn't an upbeat topic but I think along with all the great fun and hot things we do together, we have to also try to take care of ourselves and those around us.

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