Community Is Created By Those Who Show Up
Why the community you want is the result of the community you’re willing to show up for
I hadn’t planned to write this post. I was working on another one when I noticed a comment on one of my Facebook posts. Here’s the post:
Overheard in the Castro. They were talking so fast there's no way I can quote exactly, but the gist is:
Leatherman type (had never seen him before, I assume tourist) to his friend: "The young are ruining leather bars. They don't understand anything."
Other guy (in less leather, but still more than most at 10am, and younger): "They're just doing what makes them happy. It doesn't have anything to do with you."
Leatherman: "But history, tradition..." (he spewed the usual justifications for no change).
Other guy: "Boo, you do you, but why do you care what other guys are doing?"
Leatherman: "We built the leather scene. It's ours."
Other guy: "It's yours?! What? You think you own it? Good luck with that!" (He laughed.)
Leatherman: Not happy. He mostly glared at his friend for the few seconds I saw them before they walked away.
Side note: I hear far fewer of these conversations these days than I used to. I think most guys understand that change is inevitable.
Within two hours the post had garnered 170 reactions and 50 comments. One of the comments from a friend of mine read:
The “community” is defined by those that show up for it. Anything else is just fantasy.
My friend’s comment struck me as the core directive for anyone who wants a robust and vibrant community. Show up.
Anyone who navigates within the leather, kink, or any such set of communities has likely heard lots of complaints. “This should have been done this way.” “That event sucked.” “If only they had done this.” “I can’t believe they didn’t think of that when they planned it.” I could go on.
Complaining appears to be part of the human DNA. At least it seems that way. I’ve done it. You’ve done it. Everyone complains now and then. But when the drone of complaints emanates from people who only consume community but never add to community, it starts to get old.
Of course, we can all express our opinions. I’m not so Pollyanna that I think everything in our communities is perfect. They’re not. They never will be. But there are constructive and destructive ways to offer criticism.
When someone goes to a big convention of any kind such as a big leather or kink event, most attendees haven’t a clue how much work and usually volunteerism goes into making that event happen. It’s a lot of work to plan and run such events.
When someone walks into a smaller venue for an event, even then many attending likely have no idea how much work went into its planning and running.
When someone criticizes how a club or organization is run, often they aren’t privy to the fact that while the club or organization might appear large, it’s not unlikely most of its leadership is in the hands of just a few people. That’s not a knock on any club or organization. I’ve never encountered a single group like that for which most of its administration isn’t done by a handful of people. It’s the nature of the beast.
When someone walks into a bar or rental space and complains the attendees don’t fit an ideal they envisioned, they’re likely not aware of how much it costs to own and operate such spaces. Diversification of audience is how they keep the doors open.
I attend a lot of events, meetings, classes, and other happenings in the kink, leather, LGBTQ, and polyamory realms. I’ve yet to attend a perfect one. Some are better run than others, but none are perfect because no human being who runs them is perfect. I try to cut people some slack when I witness something less than ideal.
Does that mean we should never bring up negatives? No. We don’t get better unless we know what can be improved. But we often make an assumption that a less than ideal situation was somehow intentional.
Few people “intentionally” screw up in life and that includes those who plan and run events, sit on boards of clubs and organizations, or otherwise try to keep the nuts and bolts of their community chugging along.
Some might disagree, but I believe intention matters. Ignoring intention means one might end up having their criticism landing on unreceptive ears. How much more effective might a suggestion for improvement be if delivered with a “Thank you so much for all the work you put into this! I loved so much about it. Have you considered this for next time?” attitude.
Then there’s the showing up part. Want a better event? Maybe volunteer to be part of the organizing group. Want an organization run better? Maybe consider trying to get a seat on its leadership committee. Want more events that cater to your specific desires and crowd? Maybe create an event yourself. Want a community project to align with your values and needs? Maybe show up to the community planning meetings and provide input.
I know this post might come off as a rant. It’s not. I know we’re all going to keep complaining because that’s what humans often do. But that said, I hope we’ll all (myself included) take a moment to pause and reflect on the intention of the people actually doing the community building work and deliver our complaints with a bit of compassion and care.
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