Celebrating Being Kinky
Exactly why some of us identify as kinky or enjoy some kinky play now and then is ultimately irrelevant as long as we and anyone we’re doing it with are having a good time.
Are you kinky? A lot? Maybe a little bit? Just curious and starting to explore? If you’re kinky, to whatever extent, I think it’s valuable to celebrate that fact. But even if you’re one of my readers who doesn’t identify as kinky, I hope you’ll continue reading and find this interesting anyway.
When we choose to celebrate being kinky, one of the first things that comes to many people's minds is to ponder why some of us are into leather, BDSM, role play, or any of the vast and diverse styles of kink. But the truth is, much as we don't know exactly why someone might be heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or some other sexual orientation, we don't really know why people are kinky.
If you look at the entire body of research to date, there's no definitive reason why someone's sexuality edges towards the more exploratory and non-mainstream. Casual theories abound, but no one really knows the answer.
There are ongoing attempts to delve into questions like this though. My friend Richard Sprott, a highly respected psychology professor and researcher, and the current Director and Founder of The Alternative Sexualities Health Research Alliance (TASHRA), was conducting a study on kink identity development when I asked him what data he had thus far uncovered regarding kink identity. This is what he said at the time.
The results, so far, of my study on kink identity development is finding a lot of people who have images or stories that influenced them early in life, like 5-8 years old, that are often their first kink memories. Others seem to have an experience of a 'Door Opens to Oz' moment later in life when they are exposed to kink and it hits them like 'seeing color for the first time,' but no early 'kinky' memories. There aren't many studies of sexuality and how it begins, though.
My own opinion is it’s ultimately not really important to know why we're kinky. If we are and it works for us and we're happy, why does it really matter? We like what we like.
I recall a lunch conversation I had many years ago with my ex, Guy Baldwin, and Dr. Robert Stoller, a psychoanalyst and world-renowned sexuality researcher. During the lunch I asked Dr. Stoller what percentage of the population he believed is kinky. Without missing a beat, he essentially said, "everyone is kinky." He then went on to explain that during his research he found that everyone he studied had something kinky about them.
So, who knows. Maybe every person reading this really is kinky in some way. It's something to at least consider.
With that said, those who are not just occasionally kinky but identify intimately as a part of some aspect of one or more of the various kink communities may not know why they're kinky, but they sure do enjoy it.
A while back I asked some friends what they enjoyed about being a kinkster and why they chose that as a part of their identity. Here are just a few of their reasons why they celebrated their joy in being kinky.
"I believe in moving sex out of the shame and shadows."
"For as long as I can remember I've been turned on by various fetishes and fantasies that others would call perverse."
"It is integral to my sexuality."
"I was born that way."
"It connects me with more of the people I feel connected to."
"No other type of relationship works for me. I get bored far too easily and quickly without the spice of kink. It's who I am at the core of my being."
"Because most of the kinksters I have met demonstrate remarkable self-awareness and courage in the pursuit of their sexuality and fetishes."
"It's a lifestyle I've embraced and has accepted me and loved me. It's something I cherish, love, and respect, and I couldn't be happier for it."
Those are just a few of the many answers I received. So, my advice to anyone who has kink as part of their identity, or simply enjoys some kinky play now and then, is don't worry about why you like what you like. Just be responsible and ethical when you do it and make sure everything is consensual. And most definitely celebrate in the joy and fun it brings to your life.
You can use this link to access all my writings and social media and ways to support my work.