Being Yourself
When others are trying to tell you how to be sexual or a kinkster, or how to configure or manage your relationships, resist adopting their advice without question.
In this post I’m going to be directly referential to my own recent writing, “On Self-Reliance,” on my other newsletter page. That post discusses the messaging in Ralph Waldo Emerson’s iconic essay, “Self-Reliance.”
The impetus for this post was a discussion elsewhere I’m not going to give more print time here, but what it made me realize is that many active sex-positive people, kinksters, nonmonogamists, and polyamorists are looking for templates or step-by-step guides to be whoever it is they are or want to become in those realms.
Follow my type of training and you’ll be the best kinkster.
Construct your relationships this way and you’ll be “doing it right.”
Have this much sex, but not too much, and you’ll be having the right amount.
And so on.
Much of the self-help industry preys on this mindset. Everyone wants to live a better life, be a better person, and be more successful, and the self-help industry is there to feed the hungry masses a nonstop parade of material. Lots of that material lays out strategies in painstaking detail to accomplish X, Y, or Z in your life.
That’s not how life works. None of us are the same. We are all unique. Our situations are unique. The people in our relationships are all unique. Our sexual needs are unique. The erotic fantasies in our minds are unique. The types of relationships we want are unique. The environments and cultures in which we pursue all these things are unique. The phases of our own lives change and are unique.
In the article I reference in my “On Self-Relance” post, one of the bits of wisdom Emerson professed was to not conform your thinking to anyone else. I explained it this way.
Don’t conform to anyone else’s thinking. There’s a quote I reference often from author Rita Mae Brown, “I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.” One way to avoid conformity is to engage in healthy skepticism. Some things are facts. Other things are entirely emotion-based opinions. There’s a range of stances in between. Regardless, taking a pause to determine how well founded your thinking is can always be helpful. One thing I try to do is compare my opinions to my values. Does my stance or opinion align with my values? That helps me stay on track and not be too swept up in the views of the masses.
This applies to everything within the sexuality, kink, and relationship realms too.
Another bit of Emerson wisdom the article mentions is to not be afraid to walk alone.
Don’t be afraid to walk alone. We’re awash in situations in which we’re tempted to bend over backwards to try to fit into a group. I know I’ve done it. It rarely works out well. Walking one’s individual path tends to bolster one’s happiness more than attempting to fit into situations or groupthink that ultimately detracts from that happiness.
Again, this applies everything within the sexuality, kink, and relationship realms too.
My point here is to encourage you to honor your individuality and uniqueness and not try to play copycat to appease any type of groupthink or cultural pressure.
If your relationship configurations and how they function look wacky to some on the outside, but it works for you, ignore the naysayers. No consensual relationship between adults that works well for the people involved is wrong. It’s just different. Different is fine.
If how you express your sexuality and navigate within erotic subcultures seems out of step with the masses, so be it. Is it consensual? Are you and the people you play with happy? Then ignore the naysayers.
There are times I might say something that comes off as a directive or “the way it is” and when you see that, feel free to ignore me too. I don’t have all the answers and that’s the entire point. No one does. The moment we look to any cultural template or charismatic leader and believe they have all the answers, we’re doomed.
Think for yourself. Be uniquely you. Of course, abide by the old adage of being risk-aware and consensual in what you do and take care of yourself and others, but don’t try to bend yourself into a pretzel to try and be something you’re not just because someone or some group tries to make you do so. Because if you do, my guess is you’ll end up less happy than if you had listened to them and then bundled that, or not, with all you know already about yourself and taken your own individual path.
I wrote another somewhat-related article a while back, “Being Yourself Can Be Difficult,” (possible paywall) that you might also find interesting.
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