Being Your Authentic Self

You must allow yourself to grow and evolve and that includes your sexual life.

A few years ago, during the Covid pandemic, I was the guest for a large kink organization’s regular online meeting. When I was introduced, the host said about me “…and with almost 50 years of experience in the scene…” and it spawned some serious self-reflection after the meeting. I recall the introduction because being my age (71), I have heard the “more than 50 years of experience” phrase as part of many subsequent introductions.

While I have been in the kink scene a long time, I have not been the same leatherman or kinkster throughout those decades. I came out of the starting gate one type of gay leatherman and today exist as quite a different type of kinkster. And there were countless iterations and permutations of my erotic self at various times throughout that period.

We often hear it touted that we human beings should always seek to grow, evolve, and explore. Of course, that is sound advice. Yet, especially when it comes to our sexual selves, that advice is often not heeded. Or we feel somehow encumbered in unhealthy ways from exploring personal growth regarding our sexuality, sexual identity, or socializing with associated communities that might bring us joy.

For whatever reason, people often trust me to hold their confidence. Total strangers have told me some remarkably intimate things about themselves and their sexualities knowing I will not gossip. It has led to me gaining some insights into people’s sexual lives and identities that have proven quite enlightening.

Here is something I have learned during all those conversations. More people than you might imagine are hiding aspects of their kink proclivities because of internal or external judgment, and it is incredibly stressful for them. People often live in fear that if their authentic nature is exposed, or if it is discovered that they have embarked on a new or modified path, they will be summarily dismissed by friends, social circles, and even kink culture itself. That is a sad situation.

The official name for this phenomenon is sexual repression. It is often linked with guilt or shame. Too many kinky people fall prey to sexual repression, whether that manifests as simply not pursuing a certain activity for fear of judgment or hesitating about a complete reinvention of their sexual identity. People fear being ostracized because of the change they desire or need.

Are such fears well founded? No, not at all. But some are absolutely the result of our kink culture too often worshiping at the altar of templated sexualities. The prisons into which we place ourselves or are placed are numerous.

We hear things like: This is what a proper dom/sub dynamic looks like. This is the role you should stick to and not cross over this boundary. This is how you must dress to be a proper kinkster. True leather people gear up, act, and function this particular way. Do not try to be something you are not. Do not try to be a sub if you have been a dom for so long. That kink, even though consensual and everyone will come out of it happy and intact, crosses a line and you should not do it because it violates a prudish and rigid sensibility.

I could go on. The list of shoulds and should nots in our scene can be lengthy.

Some of these impositions on our sexualities are self-imposed. We absorb all the codified directives, rules, protocols, rituals, and histories (even if those histories are often mythologies) and construct a way of being that tries to stay in line with all those sometimes-conflicting messages.

Some of the ways in which we constrain our erotic explorations are externally imposed. A clueless mentor might dole out awful advice to a neophyte kinkster and it sets the newbie on a path closer to erotic destruction than celebration. A book, article, or post from a rigid elder or scene leader barks out unrealistic and psychologically unhealthy parameters by which they believe us kinksters should abide. Someone sits in a classroom during a conference while a supposed expert tells a roomful of people this is the way true kinksters do what they do.

On a personal note, I have struggled with this issue too. Once my reputation as a dom was well established, breaking free of that reputation was difficult. Everyone placed me into the dom top box because that is where I started, and I did not allow that perception to waver for a very long time.

But eventually I slowly moved toward an entirely switch and versatile approach for my sexual explorations. I even hesitate to label it at all these days since it changes so much. That journey was a long arc of false starts and stops, and fear. I wish I had gotten out of my own way. It turned out no one, at least not the people I care about, gave a damn about whether I was dom, sub, or otherwise, or explored interests that were the erotic equivalent of coloring outside the lines. Most of that was self-imposed and it is admittedly a source of regret.

As counterpoint, I recall more than once in my life when I had collared as subs wonderful men who had been functioning in the scene as doms at the time. The blowback they received from some was at times off the charts vicious. I was read an email one of those men received that was one of the most clueless and nasty things I had heard. They were told they needed to remain only dom because the scene needed them to remain that way. They were violating some messed up pact by which the accuser felt doms were governed. I had a few snide comments thrown at me for taking a good dom off the market, so to speak.

Apart from role dynamics, we can avoid exploring certain kinks for fear of judgment. When you have situations like a hardcore leatherman exploring being a pup, or a man admitting he likes more extreme (but consensual) play, exposing one’s liking of such things can trigger pushback from others who mistake their personal dislike for a certain kink as a decree that the kink should be off limits for everyone.

I will offer here my favorite quote of all time which my regular readers have likely seen me write before because it is apt for so many topics. It is from the famed Dr. Seuss who gave us so much brilliant wisdom in his work. He wrote, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

Be the you that you want to be. Kinky and otherwise. As Oscar Wilde once said, “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Coming out as yourself, whoever you happen to be at the time, is not always easy, but remaining in closets often has far worse repercussions.

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