Being a Guest in Someone Else's Space

We should respect the spaces in which marginalized sexual orientations, identities, and sexualities gather because not all spaces are for everyone.

Whether you’re LGBTQ or kinky, the topic of what is “our space” and who should or shouldn’t be in that space is a frequent conversation. To some extent this also applies to people who embrace non-monogamy and polyamory.

Recently, I read a nicely reasoned and well-articulated article about non-LGBTQ people in LGBTQ spaces, “How Not to ‘Take Up Space’ While Taking Up Space” by Tyler Baldor. It got me thinking about this topic.

Truthfully, I’ve been thinking about this topic for years. You can’t be a gay man today and have not heard some of the consternation about things like bachelorette parties invading some queer spaces. That ongoing discussion plus reading the article spawned some reflection about how one can best be a guest in other people’s spaces.

When it comes to queer bars and spaces, one factor not mentioned is that queer spaces are disappearing, not increasing. San Francisco once had 118 LGBTQ bars (1973) and now has only 33 (as of 2011, I couldn't find today's accurate number). Yes, there are many San Francisco spaces in which queer people feel welcome because that's the nature of our city, but that doesn't mean me walking into a space that accepts me creates a sense of community with people like me.

San Francisco is also a liberal bubble of acceptance. You’re probably as or more likely to be accepted and respected as a queer (or kinky) person in my city than most other places. That means I see this topic through the lens of my own day-to-day experience of living in a highly welcoming place. Other people are experiencing much worse scenarios living in places that lean heavily to the right of the political spectrum. In many instances Republicans in those states are currently aggressively attacking LGBTQ people with horrific legislation.

That’s important because in many cities and towns, queer bars and spaces are the only places queer people can breathe and unclench. Most LGBTQ people will tell you that they feel most connection to their queer community when they’re in queer spaces. No matter how comfortable a non-queer space tries to make it for queer people, there’s nothing quite like spaces in which us queer people can commune entirely with those like us.

Although the article focuses on LGBTQ people and spaces, I contend it applies to kink communities too. As a subculture within the larger queer community (addressing queer kinksters specifically), we have even fewer spaces in which we feel like it's truly our space.

I don't think there's an easy solution to this problem, sadly in large part because kink is founded upon radical sexuality and that's been squelched in most public spaces. I think that's something with which kinksters simply have to figure out how to live.

Just today I was having lunch with a friend and were talking about how much of sexually active gay men’s culture has moved certain gatherings more underground. Since they don’t have enough spaces that allow them to be the men-loving sexual creatures we are, we’re creating events and gatherings in homes or rented spaces to create the atmosphere we want.

In many cases, kinksters have also solved this lack of space by increasingly creating our own events. The feeling when I go a local, national, or international kink event resonates with me entirely differently than when I walk into a bar in which kinksters are clearly not the majority. Again, I don't think there's a great solution for bar or other public space, but creating space elsewhere isn't optional, it's vital.

Although public spaces are purportedly for everyone, who belongs there and how we ought to behave is, in fact, dictated by white, heterosexual, middle-class sensibilities, argues sociologist Erving Goffman. In a society where sexual minorities continue to face physical violence for holding hands on sidewalks and are kicked out of Lyfts and Ubers for briefly kissing their partners, gay spaces remain zones where sexual minorities can openly interact as non-straight people.

...

These sociological lessons extend beyond gay bars. We should expect to see similar dynamics occur among other outsider groups in other minority spaces, such as white allies at Black Lives Matter protests or gentrifiers in their new neighborhood’s community garden. Understanding that minority spaces are not de facto gay or black or for residential old-timers but rather sets of particular activities occurring in physical spaces should help clarify the ways in which outsiders can be present in and maybe even contribute to minority space, rather than exoticize, diminish, or 'take up space.'

I recommend reading the article to which I linked. It’s excellent.

Let me insert here since trans people are unfortunately seeing the ire of an ignorant and radicalized right-wing element, gay trans men are gay men, heterosexual trans women are heterosexual women, and so on. Despite any specifics, from a cultural standpoint trans people must be included as part of the identity to which they most strongly identify. For me, this is not negotiable.

So, how does one be a guest in a space that’s primarily frequented by people unlike us? Let me offer as an example what I recently posted on social media to illustrate my own approach.

When I was invited into a lesbian bar in San Francisco many years ago, I checked and double checked that my presence wouldn't violate their space. I went with a lesbian who was well known at the bar. I made it clear to her I knew I was in someone else's space and asked her to guide me on how I could be there and not take away from the women there who rightfully wanted their own space.

I also outright asked if me going there would in any way be considered a type of cultural trespassing. She said no, I’d be welcome, but she was happy I realized I was going to be visiting someone else’s space.

The women there were wonderful. I felt fine in that space. But I never, not once, didn't remember it was their space, not mine.

This is the same thought process I hope everyone engages in when considering going to a space that caters to a marginalized group to which we don’t belong.

When I talk about spaces here, I’m specifically referring to space where a marginalized group gathers to be with a preponderance of their own kind.

As a gay man who used to belong to a predominantly heterosexual BDSM organization, I was extra cautious when a few of them suggested I become a member.

If I’m invited to a play party hosted by a heterosexual group, I make sure me playing with another man in their space isn’t going to be disruptive or problematic.

Were I to get an invitation to a kinky gathering with a specific dress code, I’m not going to show up in flipflops and board shorts.

Hopefully what I’m getting at here is obvious. There are many times and places when everyone from all walks of radical and adventurous sexuality can mix, socialize, and even play and it’s just fine. There are other times when a certain demographic or kink subset wants to maintain the space as their own and outsiders would be incredibly disruptive.

This is not an exact science. Not even close. It’s a cultural art form to “read the room” and adapt accordingly. This is the art of consent and respect playing out in the decisions we make when invited to an unfamiliar space.

Within our communities are people who believe that everyone always belongs in every space. I disagree. Public spaces like bars can’t intentionally omit certain patrons even when they sense a bad fit, but for many of the events, gatherings, and rented spaces used by kinksters, it’s perfectly fine to make entry into certain spaces incumbent upon being part of the invited demographic. Again, this is an art form, not a science.

Community members will always make some missteps regarding this issue. Hopefully we’re all open minded enough to learn and grow and adjust our mindset to embrace the most welcoming stance possible while still holding firm that sometimes affinity spaces for certain types of people are entirely fine and necessary.

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