Are Labels Liberating or Limiting?
Labels we use to define sexuality and relationships are essential tools for community and connection, but also potential traps that reduce our complex humanity to an oversimplified term.
Within various sexuality and relationship cultures there are a variety of labels. There are sexual orientation labels, sexual position labels, sexuality and kink identity labels, relationship style labels, and more.
Labels are useful. They help us categorize people and activities to help us better understand certain social environments. They can also foster a sense of belonging to certain groups or communities. Labels offer simple shortcuts to self-identity, identify others, and know what a person or group enjoys. That is the upside.
The downside is that labels can also be restrictive. They can reinforce stereotypes. They can halt sexual or relationship explorations. They can force a person into a neatly labeled box that doesn’t truly represent the entirety of who they are.
In “The Advantages and Disadvantages of Labelling in Everyday Life,” Dr. Steve Parker points out that a label’s utility in simplification can have negative consequences.
Yet, this simplification is also where the danger lies. Labels are inherently reductive, boiling down complex ideas, personalities, or items into a single word or phrase. While this may help with understanding and communication, it can also lead to stereotypes, misunderstandings, and even conflicts. The human brain tends to latch onto these simplifications, often at the expense of nuance. So, labels are a double-edged sword — useful for clarity but potentially harmful when used indiscriminately.
I have often touted not relying on labels too much, but the truth is our brains love labels. We use them to make sense of an increasingly complex world. Sexual and relationship cultures are becoming increasingly complex.
As an example, in “47 Terms That Describe Sexual Attraction, Behavior, and Orientation,” are listed dozens of labels for various orientations, identities, and sexual behaviors.
Add on top of such labels that many cultures have their own unique set of labels, and it can become a bit overwhelming for some as this “Glossary of BDSM” illustrates.
Once upon a time, those of us who weren’t monogamous simply said we preferred open relationships. Nowadays, that’s been parsed into an array of more specific terms.
I will never say labels aren’t useful. They are and always will be, especially when specificity is needed. Utilizing shortcut labels is indeed how our brains are wired. The danger tends to be that many people use them with extreme rigidity.
In the kink world, when you use dominant or submissive as a label, often the person being described gets locked into being perceived only that way even when the reality is that they’re not just one or the other.
In gay culture, top and bottom are frequently tossed around as labels to identify preferred position. Versatile is used, but so often gay men claim everyone is really a top or bottom that it’s become toxic and truly versatile people feel judged.
A polyamorous person might change over time into feeling like embracing a monogamous relationship for a while, but that doesn’t really change that they’re open to polyamory under the right circumstances and can still claim to be polyamorous.
We must remember that labels are useful mental shortcuts, but what they’re doing is reducing the entire spectrum of a person to a single concept. We are all complex. None of us are just one thing. None of us do just one thing. Reality is complex, not simple. We utilize labels to understandably simplify life, but to do so without at the same time keeping in mind that they are indeed inexact simplifications is risky.
Labels can reduce how open we are to new ideas, identities, activities, and even entire communities. To use but one example from my gay kinky world, when I came out into leather and kink, I don’t recall a single pup identified guy in my social circles. These days the pup community has exploded and contains its own vernacular (labels) and culture. In “Pup Play: Kink communities can help people build connections and improve their body image,” Professor Phillip Joy explains some of the details of this burgeoning identity and community.
In recent years, the world of kink lifestyles and subcultures has gained increasing attention. Kink is a general term that includes various expressions of unconventional or non-traditional sexual desires. This encompasses a wide array of practices, including power dynamics, intense sensations/stimuli, role-playing and more.
One such form of role-play that is often misunderstood is known as pup play. Pups are consenting adults who roleplay by dressing and acting as young canines, or pups.
Imagine if the kink world had remained closed-minded and refused to let these pup adventurers develop their own set of identities, practices, and community. An entire realm of kink would have never manifested, a realm that I can attest is incredibly enjoyable and empowering for many people.
My point is that when we use labels it’s wise to use them gently. Whether it’s a label for sexual orientation, gender identity, kink identity or proclivity, or preferred relationship style, they all abide by something I’ve said for years – a word is only an approximation of what it’s attempting to describe. It’s wise to remember that.
You can use this link to access all my writings and social media and ways to support my work. My content is usually open and free to view, but for those who are able your paid subscription (click the Subscribe button) or patron support are always appreciated.