5 Questions – Answered by Frank Strona

Frank Strona, a longtime sexual health and prevention education specialist, and respected kinkster, answers my questions.

Periodically I’ll ask someone within one or more of the sexuality or relationship communities 5 specific questions. 5 seems like enough questions to elicit some interesting responses but not so many as to overwhelm the reader. I’ll often ask different questions depending on the person.

For this post I’m asking the questions of my longtime friend and respected community member, Frank Strona.

1. If you could offer people in your community just one bit of advice based on your experience, what would it be?

Remember that what you see when you look at a person doesn’t mean that you know who they are or what groups they run with. Find out about the person for who they share themselves to be. Not what you want (or think) they should be.

As someone who for years was looked at and often told I needed to fit into categories, it didn’t work. I’m gay but that doesn’t mean that the “gay community” is any one solid entity – it forgets (and so do many of the politically motivated, policy and health advocates) that because we are gay that doesn’t make us community – that’s the blanket that others cover us with to lessen us as individuals with penises and more as an entity that can be fit into boxes for funding, policies and services.

2. Is there anything you see as particularly positive going on in your community right now?

Many of us in our 40, 50, and 60s have restarted a quiet sexual revolution – that says we don’t need to be young, pretty, thin, rich, to be active, vibrant sexual men. But what experience has given us is the understanding as to what’s important. A sense of belonging, family as we each define it, friends, passion, integrity, and history. Blending that with the ability to appreciate, respect, and stay true to who our inner sexual being and we are closer now than in the last 25 years to being the best we can be.

3. Is there anything you see as particularly negative going on in your community right now?

Yes I do. I think we have lost some of our ability to accept and honor our individual differences. There was a time when our diversity socially, sexually, artistically, and culturally was something to shared, enjoyed, laughed over, explored, and even debated. Now I sit back and see people judge the differences because they might not fit into a shared vision of “community.”  I see jaded, angry humans sitting around at the local coffee shop, sniping at each other, making judgments on the people as they walk by, that they feel don’t see them, yet they make no effort to socialize beyond the gossip.

I believe that by expanding our social horizon to include hours of time spent online, while being an asset in some areas, has also made us forget how to have conversations that last beyond a “chat interchange.” We read each other’s profiles and allow our brain to fill in the details without ever taking the time to actually get to know the person in real time before we peg them into a “oh him” mentality.

4. How could your community best be improved?

We’ve lost a common goal. Many of us spent our earlier years fighting for our right to be. As time, AIDS, politics, and finances have bent us into being OK with living in survivor mode, we have forgotten how to be a family of choice, how to live and enjoy the process again. We need to start seeing volunteerism as an important way we stay connected – and fight again; for health care reforms, AIDS/HIV, sexual health, social services, acceptance for our gay seniors, and our gay youth.

We need to stop blaming others for our own ignorance and passive acceptance of individual irresponsibility and stand up to what may feel like a community norm and say “it’s not OK,” then actively seek solutions together.

5. Think ahead 10 years. Where do you see your community heading?

It’s hard for me to say. I see us continuing to blend new and old rules, reshaping play, skills, and techniques. I’m hopeful that a move towards a balance of social understanding and individual expression can be found. A place that supports the right to be sexual in nature, yet respectful to each other, and the community around us in its expression. A time where we can welcome allies to our fetish fairs yet remind them that it is not a place to bring a child and then be surprised when they come across a man’s ass peaking out of chaps or a visual display of sexual expression being performed. An understanding that a Pride parade is about self worth, identity, sexuality, and self-esteem, not a media driven, sponsor-funded event that has lost its ability to show us as more than a people waiting for our next party. For many of us, when AIDS hit, we lost our heart and in this loss we lost some of ourselves. It’s time for us to heal and create a new heart. One that remembers the past and looks toward the future.

Visit Frank’s site at mentorsf.com. Follow him on Instagram, Threads, and Twitter (@fvstrona) and TikTok (@Frank_mentorsf).

Frank Strona has been working with Gay and Bisexual Men’s sexual health concerns for over 30 years and has established himself as a nationally recognized sexual health, pleasure and prevention education specialist. He served as the senior Mpox response lead for the San Francisco Department of Public Health and helped San Francisco lead in efforts to vaccinate gay/bi and non binary people at risk. He also serves as an advisor on new and emerging health technologies in addition to being a frequent guest author, blogger, and educator on sex, society and technology.

You can use this link to access all my writings and social media and ways to support my work.