Fostering Belonging
By helping others and ourselves have a sense of belonging to a larger group, we can improve our kink and nonmonogamy communities while also making ourselves happier.
Pervasive throughout the various sexuality and nonmonogamy communities are a plethora of articles, books, classes, workshops, panel discussions, and demonstrations about how to do all sorts of things along with the dissemination of some good information and insights. That’s all great.
However, when we dive deep into people’s most heartfelt needs, we discover the ubiquitous need to belong. This is true of life generally and it’s also certainly true of erotic- and nonmonogamy-based communities.
One of the things I’ve realized for myself is that anytime I’m with other kinksters or polyamorous people, whether that’s one-on-one or in a small or large group, it’s the sense of belonging that makes the experience sing and brightens my spirit considerably.
I never consciously thought about this until not that long ago. When I read a recent article, “How to Create More Belonging for Yourself and Others,” by Geoffrey Cohen in Greater Good Magazine, a publication of the respected Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley, the concept of fostering belonging better fell into place in my brain. Cohen relates much of his advice to schools and the workplace, but his advice can apply across the entire swath of the human experience.
Belonging is the sense that we’re part of a larger group that accepts and values us for who we are, to which we can contribute; we feel like we have roots, maybe even a home.
Perhaps the most important two things we in the adventurous sex and relationship realm can do is to help others feel like they belong while doing what we can to ensure that we also feel like we belong in the groups and communities within which we commune.
In the article, Cohen offers a few research-based suggestions on how to foster belonging. This seems like good information to disseminate among my readers as food for thought.
Each of Cohen’s suggestions are applicable to the types of communities most of my readers socialize and play within. Most of the suggestions seem like common sense when you read them, but I think they’re all good reminders to help build better relationships and communities.
Simply reaching out to someone has tremendous benefits. It doesn’t need to be a heavy lift of effort. A kind word. A bit of encouragement. And it doesn’t need to necessarily be with someone you know well. Making focused, meaningful, and sincere contact with another human being can sometimes feel so rare an occurrence that when someone encounters it they feel like they’re the center of someone’s universe if only for a few moments.
I often use Self-Determination Theory as a model to discuss what motivates us as human beings and that includes kinksters, nonmonogamists, anyone. The theory posits that each of us has three basic psychological needs – autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Another way to say relatedness is connection and it’s the need for connection that Cohen suggests we should never underestimate.
Talking to a stranger in a bar or at a kink or sexual lifestyle event can have tremendously positive outcomes for us and the other person. Research points to even short, little connections with another person making us happier.
Cohen mentions the value of not being so quick to judge others and that struck me as vitally important. Too often I witness highly judgmental attitudes from people that shut down connection and damage social cohesion for an entire group. This passage especially resonated with me.
The fundamental attribution error refers to our tendency to over-blame people—their personality, abilities, and virtues—and to under-blame situations and context. We fail to imagine how the things in their circumstances, even the ones right in front of our face, may be affecting them.
While that sure applies to kink and nonmonogamy groups and communities, it of course applies to all of life. We are so quick to judge sometimes without taking a step back and considering the other person’s situation or what they might be going through.
I recall years ago when some people were piling on someone I knew within the leather community. They had perceived what they did as a major fail when I knew privately that they were simultaneously going through the death of a loved one and some serious financial struggles. Context matters. It can deter harsh judgment.
In an article by Kelsey Wilson, I once read this quote – “Just be kind, you never know what someone else may be going through.” I’ve tried to adopt that mindset whenever I interact with others. Especially when I see an all too common community-wide pillorying of someone on social media, I try to remember that quote. Often those denigrating someone don’t know the person or the specific situation but are simply playing follow the leader and adding to the negativity and attacks. It’s rarely helpful.
In leather and kink circles particularly, I hear the phrase “values” a lot. The phrase “leather values” seems to be uttered so often that it’s assumed everyone’s values must align perfectly or they’re veering off the path of community acceptance. I’d bet most of the people parroting the leather values mantra haven’t spent much time reflecting on their own core values.
I think it’s incumbent upon every leather, kink, queer, or nonmonogamy community member to spend some quiet time thinking about what core values they embrace and, more importantly, live by, before casting aspersions on others. When we struggle a bit to define our own values it makes us more empathetic toward others when we think they’ve violated those values in some way.
Cohen talks about the importance of being welcoming. Group leaders and event producers should build into their structures mechanisms by which newcomers feel immediately welcome. This is good advice for all of life, but when someone might be exploring entirely new erotic or relationship territory and are full of the fears and trepidations that can create, encountering a welcoming person, group, or event can go a long way toward setting the stage for better experiences and communities.
Giving criticism wisely and cautiously can benefit everyone. Whether it’s commenting on someone’s kink activity technique or suggesting a new approach to improve a relationship, be kind and thoughtful. Deliver criticism gently and within the context of lifting them up to their potential rather than tearing them down for sport.
Sharing stories of adversity with others can help them realize they’re not alone when they encounter roadblocks or glitches in their lives. I remember once telling a young man how much I initially struggled with a certain erotic technique for which I later became known as an expert. The man immediately felt more at ease with his own struggles with learning the same technique.
When we share stories of our own adversity and struggles, we convey the message that others who might be having a bumpy time of it are not alone. Sharing such stories also makes the person hearing them realize the situation in which they find themselves is likely to be short-lived.
I feel this is the true power of mentoring within leather and kink communities. Mentoring is good in any community, but the concept of mentoring is common among kinksters. A mentor shares stories that illustrate to a mentee that the path to experience and expertise isn’t always a direct one.
Finally, Cohen talks about why it’s important to listen to other people’s perspectives. Again, this is important throughout life, but it sure is important in the communities in which I navigate. Just recently I heard the heartfelt perspective of a kinkster from a marginalized demographic and it entirely changed my own perspective and understanding of what others go through.
The article nicely summarizes all of that advice with this.
These acts can occasion a change in identity and trajectory by sending the message I see you, I believe in you, or You’re not alone.
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