Entering Relationships Rationally
While we may get quickly swept up in the bliss of new love, it can be prudent to engage in some rational thinking to better assess our brain chemistry’s urges.
Readers of this newsletter span a wide spectrum, from eyeing adventurous sexuality or relationship options from the outer edges to those who have decided to dive in wholeheartedly and completely.
When it comes to relationships of any kind, I’m a big fan of leveraging some rationality when one enters a relationship. Romance is a lovely thing, but it’s a deceptive magician that can cast a spell upon us that clouds good thinking as our neurochemicals fire off in a cavalcade of limerence bliss.
In “Love shouldn’t be blind or mad. Instead, fall rationally in love,” philosopher Berit Brogaard points out that in their book, On Romantic Love, (paid link) the wisdom of exerting some effort at rational reasoning when falling in love and assessing a future relationship.
…rational love – love that is sane, sound and sensible – is reason-responsive, grounded in reality and consonant with your overall mindset. These are lofty ideals but not unachievable goals. For love to be reason-responsive it must yield to reasons against it – reasons that your love is inimical to your interests. Your interests are those states of affairs that further your overall flourishing, or wellbeing. Performing an unpleasant activity might be in your best interest if it promotes your overall wellbeing. Think pelvic exams, colonoscopies and root canals…
Ironically, I’m having my periodic colonoscopy exam next week, but I digress.
What might a rational approach to relationships look like from a practical standpoint?
Let’s consider a single example. Relationships that are founded upon some aspect of kink.
Because kinky sexuality is fueled by fantasy-laden thoughts that supercharge our emotions, entering a kink-based relationship is chockful of potential landmines. On top of any baseline attractions is the added allure of excitement due to the manifestation of our fantasies. It’s a stew of neurochemicals and if the ingredients aren’t of well-considered quality and quantity, it could result in leaving one with a rather bad taste.
Brogaard points out that love should be grounded in reality arrived at through an accurate perception of the other person, not the overarching fantasy in which that person plays a part. It’s so easy to misconstrue an idealized perception of someone as accurate truth when the actual case may be that the person has constructed a solid fantasy veneer character under which lies an entirely different human being.
Of course, that’s the nature of much of kink and erotic fantasy – illusion. The illusion might be of a sexy, stern, and charismatic dominant persona while the person might instead be entirely different than that illusion. It’s being able to parse out the reality from the illusion that allows rational thought to take place about whether the person is an appropriate partner beyond a one-night or occasional sexual fling.
More times than I can count I’ve witnessed a newly entered dominant/submissive relationship crumble under the exposure of the underlying and entirely human reality upon which the idealized erotic archetype is founded. Despite what anyone might tell you, we are not our roles. We are not our erotic characters. We do not emerge from the womb fashioned as a kinkster of any specific stripe.
While some of us might adopt our kink-based personas with more day in and day out thoroughness, at our core we’re simply people trying to make sense of our existence, plodding through life, sometimes like a blindfolded person attempting to navigate an uncharted treacherous maze.
This is why I caution people entering any potentially longstanding romantic or erotic relationship to embrace pacing. Go slow. Take time to talk with each other as transparently as possible, revealing what makes us the people we are, warts and all.
If you’re convinced a sexual fling with someone is a one-off or something that’s going to be an entirely physical or uncommitted fantasy-based relationship, perhaps close attention to caution isn’t quite as necessary. But I still contend that we want to enter all but perhaps random one-night stands with our eyes wide open and as much of an understanding of the relationship’s overall landscape as possible.
Moving in together after dating for two months? Maybe not a great idea. I’ve even cautioned friends to avoid moving in with a partner for at least three years to ensure that the neurochemicals that initially blind us to reality calm down a bit so we can see the other person more accurately.
Jumping into a deeply committed dominant and submissive relationship with someone after playing only a few times? Maybe not a great idea. If either party is hesitant to take it slow and forces you into a quick rigid commitment, I consider that a red flag that is not waving you in.
I’m all for enjoying the wonderful experience of falling in love, whether that’s of the holding hands on the beach at sunset variety or the intense dominant and submissive relationship that takes place primarily in a well-equipped playroom or any other of the many erotic and relationship variations. Falling in love is falling in love, regardless of the form it takes. My advice is to take it slow and engage in as rational an assessment as you can of the pros and cons of the situation.
For the record, this is advice I wish I had understood in my younger years. I’ve made the mistake of jumping in too quickly, living with someone too quickly, and embarking on a kink relationship with the fantasy leading me into what proved to be murky waters. Age provides one with some hindsight and my hindsight suggests taking things slow is a good idea. Perhaps doing so might help you create better intimate relationships going forward.
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases from the book link. You can use this link to access all my writings and social media. My content is usually open and free to all to view, but for those who are able your paid subscription (click the Subscribe button) or patron support is always appreciated.